Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?

My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!

The human personality is made of five key elements

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.

omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.

Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?

ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]

manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy

One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.

Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”

Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school