Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

Catering service

The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.

[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”

Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.

My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.

Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry

Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg

I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads

what’s for dinner?

ME: indian

we had indian last night

ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so

…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…

[Chapstick Season]

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*

[gazing into The mirror of Erised]

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

Those are good neighbors.

Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first