Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
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before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
LA today:
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
notice
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?