Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why

Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.

My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

[late to work]

boss: well ??

me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

Them: Question everything.

Me: Why?

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

Wife: Don’t tweet that

Me: *thinks about it*

Wife: I’ll divorce you

Me: *thinks harder*

Wife: And give you all 4 kids

Me: *hits delete*

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee

Me: It’s cold out there today!

12: How cold?

Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright

12: *sighs*

JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—

ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce

I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.

Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates