Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
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publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”