Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
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(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.