Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: You’re really on a roll today.

Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.

Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.

Fight 🔥 with 🔥

China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.

Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.

I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face

I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.

me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]

the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful

me: it can be

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

Her: What do you look for in a relationship?

Me: A way out.

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends, into what?”

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it

– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

When my 6yo is mad at us, he changes our avatars on the Nintendo Switch. Right now my husband’s name is Poop and I look like I ask to speak to managers.

Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?

I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.

Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT

[dinner]

WIFE: This risotto is rich

ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”

WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?

ME: …

WIFE: …

ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’

Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol

winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO

Me: *stands on one leg*

My flamenco teacher: No.

my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.