[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
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[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.