Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*

Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.

My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it

Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

Plot twist-
Maury is the father.

*alien probing me

Me: Ok a little to the left

Alien: I SAID STOP THAT

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

Friend: How are you doing?

Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

Me: *falling asleep*

My brain: What if you were plummeting to your death right now?

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.