You Might Also Like

@simoncholland

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

@AmericanGent69

My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.

@GensPlace

When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.

@TheRealPalMal

Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*

@WetzelGeek

The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!

@steeve_again

Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible

Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?

Date: *biting lip* oh yea

@MmeSurly

If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.

@angibangie

4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.

@copymama

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

@donni

YOU: Please be aware–
ME: I’m not. I never will be. I’ve never even SEEN a “ware”