Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.

Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”

Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.

[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing

I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.

the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”

Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese

Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.

Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.

google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed