Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.

“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god

If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.

*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job

me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*

me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later

Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.

me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now

Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.

[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work

I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.