Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself

her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!

Me: um, ok

[1 hour later]

Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

Received dm of the day

No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?

“Of course I’ve tried that!”

– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it