Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
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People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
I can’t stop watching this.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*