Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
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If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Welcome to the stomach
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.