Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
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When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
feetloaf
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?