Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
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I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
That’s incredible! 👌
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!