Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
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I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
edward fingerhands
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?