Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
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Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I just ran a .003048K
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up