Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
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CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!