Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
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I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race