Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.

Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat

For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

Got him!

I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

WHY?!

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

ChatGPT cannot be stopped.