Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
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Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.