Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
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*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
selfie game
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
And that about sums it up.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee