honk shuah. sleep on that thang
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Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
How to wake up a Beagle