honk shuah. sleep on that thang
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Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
incredible book dedication
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
There is no “ea” in Tim.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Free him
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.