Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
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*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Priorities
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
bury ourselves
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned