Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.

Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.

Me: [nods]

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.

Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.

*death metal voice*

BUTTERRRRRR

“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?

My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!

Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.

[god creating sharks]

angel: what is this?

god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense

We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month

Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.

This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

*rubs lamp/genie appears*

*makes me listen to ads before each wish*

Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?

Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word

I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever