hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
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Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.