Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
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I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
long lost
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me: