Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
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[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
it is time once again
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]