Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
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Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Doormats are a gateway rug.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
it must be school picture day
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!