Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-

me: SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

😉😝

i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there

me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn

He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.

Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

Why is this me 😫

My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.

Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.

interviewer: what do you know about excel?

me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.

“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”

Hi serious this is dad

“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”

HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!

Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits

Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.