Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
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Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
dutch so unserious
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OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
How do you milk an almond?
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.