Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom, can you take us to the maul?

-teen bears, probably

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”

[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next

*playing hide & seek with my group*

5: I’m only going to count to ten

Me: why?

5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

Me: How was school?

6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?

Me: …because I want to know.

6: That’s not a very good reason.

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

WTF IS THAT!

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”

So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”

Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.

My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.

I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.

happy halloween

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.