Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET

Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap

Wife: You put the wrong date on this.

Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.

Wife: You wrote 1992.

3yo: welcome to my store.

Me: thank you how much for this apple?

3yo: ummm fifty dollars.

Me: wow and these grapes?

3yo: um SIXTY dollars.

Me: geez how about this lemon?

3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!

and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

The most avoided species of shark is the Loan

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

Fly wife: Notice anything?

Fly husband: …

Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut

‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’

~Jason Voorhees, in therapy

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.

Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.

Dr: do you eat healthy?

Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales

Dr:

Me: the hummuses

Dr: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?

*shoots kneecap*

How bout now?

Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

[eraser factory]

BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?

ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself

I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation

*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?