Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.

The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

Five Guys: that’ll be $75

Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.

Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?

Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.

FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.

if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month

My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

my one true gender

karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: I turn positives into negatives.

Confessor X: Oh.

Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order