nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
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If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
*notices it’s not even 8am*nn*been tweeting like a boss…*nn*…to 5 insomniacs*
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
As a child, it really stressed me out that Rocky was late to his second fight with Apollo Creed. I mean, don’t be late to that.
most vending-machine shaking incidents are elaborate coverups by people who don’t want to be seen hugging the machine and saying i love you
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.