@Ghetto_Trophy

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

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@ClichedOut

nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[5 minutes later]

me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet

@AndrewNadeau0

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.

@NoogsCorner

*notices it’s not even 8am*nn*been tweeting like a boss…*nn*…to 5 insomniacs*

@RackOfSteel

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

@kjataylor

That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once

@darksidedeb

[first date]

Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.

Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.

@joekellyjk47

As a child, it really stressed me out that Rocky was late to his second fight with Apollo Creed. I mean, don’t be late to that.

@rachelle_mandik

most vending-machine shaking incidents are elaborate coverups by people who don’t want to be seen hugging the machine and saying i love you

@pplwtching

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.