Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
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I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Only Americans understand
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
I feel seen.
we’re dead?
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.