@heymonroe

Hope I’m never tortured, because I just pulled a hangnail off my finger and now this entire restaurant knows my pin number.

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@SondraDeeMe

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

@Papa_Mex

Me? Yes, of course I have feelings! Last Sunday, for example, I dropped a piece of bacon on the floor. I just stared and cried for 18 mins

@eliyudin

I have a great vocabulary, just ask my um female dad

@ElleOhHell

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

@WheelTod

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

@lazerdoov

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

@PerfectMoms

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.

@duplicitron

Hey lady I have bad news for you someone thought your hair was noodles and left their chopsticks in it.