Hope I’m never tortured, because I just pulled a hangnail off my finger and now this entire restaurant knows my pin number.

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I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name


Me? Yes, of course I have feelings! Last Sunday, for example, I dropped a piece of bacon on the floor. I just stared and cried for 18 mins


I have a great vocabulary, just ask my um female dad


A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.


That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material


If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread


I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.


Hey lady I have bad news for you someone thought your hair was noodles and left their chopsticks in it.