Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
You Might Also Like
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
about to have the best blueberries of my life
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together