Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
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Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.