Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

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My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.


I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.


I have decided I will never get down to my original weight. Besides 7.5 pounds is unrealistic anyway.


Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*


[at a store]

Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?

*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*

Clerk: Well, they’re polarized


I accidentally prayed on people’s weaknesses instead of preying on them, and now they just think I’m kind.


You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.


if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life


You know what I’d like for Christmas, mom? I’d like you to stop treating me like a child. Also I’d like some money and some new socks.