Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
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losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.