Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer

maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do

I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special

meowth: hey

team rocket: we need it

meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk

team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do

Meowth: guys

team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??

Starbucks employee:

Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

Doctor: How your diet?

Me: My what now?

WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”

A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

“I’m tired.”

– Beat Cop

I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.