Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
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It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.
These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.
BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim