Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
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i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty