Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
You Might Also Like
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?