Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
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*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
☠️ ☠️
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
AM I BEING GASLIT????
