“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
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“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
THIS HEADLINE
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”