Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
You Might Also Like
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.