Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
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hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
*jingles half the way*
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?