Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
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ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
whatcha thinkin bout
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
#inspiration #foodforthought
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.