Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
You Might Also Like
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Printer ink is expensive
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind