Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

He probably could have just called himself “Andre.” I think I would have figured out The Giant part on my own.

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.

I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger

The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.

His funeral will take plac

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift