Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time

Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

[at a Doja Cat concert]

me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS

Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

me: I’d like some ham please

server: ok how much

me: I really really want it

WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.

[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on

HER: DM me later, okay?

ME: Okay.

*later*

ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.

*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*

Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—

*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*

“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*

“Of course I’ve tried that!”

– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it

No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

[hand sensing faucet factory]

Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software

Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.

her: [texts something funny]

me: [types hahahaha]

me: [stares at it]

me: [deletes one ha]

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down