Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
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Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”