Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Giving directions in America]

Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th

[Directions in England]

Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest

Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food

kid: *sniffle*

me: need a tissue?

kid: no

kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.

yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!

My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”

Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?

Me: No, I’m good.

Husband: Are you sure?

Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…

and if you can a coke…

and a cheeseburger…

Can you also swing by Taco Bell?

Coworker: What’s twitter like?

Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

Yes 😂

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice

I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids

[bedtime]

SON: I want a monster story.

ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again

Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean