Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
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Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.