hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
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[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!
Me in December: Son of a b****
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed