Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*

My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

I can easily control the weather.

– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself

The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.

I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.

Excel sheet: People hate me.

Fitted sheet: Join the club.

Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

[christmas dinner]

me:

extended family member:

me:

extended family member:

me:

December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.

Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.