hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
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If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
