Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT

BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.

Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”

So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?

I have no words

~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear

We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.

Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?

Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?

Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.

Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.

They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

Shower sex be like:

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”

When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster

Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security

Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI

[Office Supply Store]

Me: *getting toner*

Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.

*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs

once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.