Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

[at the salad bar]

Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]

[adds cottage cheese]

[adds more cottage cheese]

[adds even more cottage cheese]

[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.

Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.

[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

[on the sixth question in two minutes]

4: what does “not” mean

me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.

4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.

Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.

Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!

ㅤ

[getting my license]

Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes

Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.