Hoping to spice up my evening
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An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
All is fair in drunk and war.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal