Hoping to spice up my evening
You Might Also Like
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
If you know, you know
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Help Wanted
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous