Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
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Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”