Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
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Baller is short for ballerina
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Wolves should really raise more people.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*