Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
You Might Also Like
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Vodka burrito was a success
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*