Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
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i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so theyโre always super impressed.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
My 3-year-old said, โDaddy, youโre big & strong like a garbage truck.โ Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
how was your vacation
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, itโs a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesnโt.
My toddler just said โKnock knock, whoโs thereโ then slapped me in the face and said โitโs meโ
Ok then.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOUโRE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Her: Stop telling my friends youโre a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
โ ๐ง๐ต๐ถ๐ ๐๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ถ๐ ๐น๐ผ๐๐ ๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฒ๐ฎ
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I canโt live in it but enough so my kids donโt get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I toured a defense contractor executiveโs home
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.