@ADDiane

Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

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@sparticus_af

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money

@Quartzjixler

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

@FU_TangClan

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

@MrSandeepP

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

@3sunzzz

My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

@KindOfASmartass

It really annoys me when people who barely know you want to become Facebook friends, like an old classmate or someone you’ve slept with

@Darlainky

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

@OctopusCaveman

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”

@electrolemon

game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]