waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
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I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles
Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles
Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
It really annoys me when people who barely know you want to become Facebook friends, like an old classmate or someone you’ve slept with
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
What if sun screen is really just a seasoning rub created by aliens.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]